Be in it to win it

I think it’s pretty funny that we wish our lives away.  Every morning when I wake up, I think “Oh thankfully - another day closer to Friday!”  Like, every morning.   Wishing, wishing, wishing the week away.  Friday comes and we rejoice!  We now have 2 nights to go to bed and NOT wake up to go to work (well, for the M to F 9-5′ers).  We can party, we can relax, we can unplug, we can come and go as we please.   But really - all that happens is you spend your 2.25 free days of each week catching up on all the things you could not do during the work week.    You run errands, you take in movies, you meet up with friends, you attend appointments and meetings,  you go to the gym (sometimes), you plan for your upcoming wedding, you travel to foreign countries (damn you D), you visit family in other states.

Next thing you know, its Monday again.  And now what?  You wish for Friday again?  You wish for your next vacation day?   But this thing - what we’re doing here, this is our life.  This is our journey.  It is not simply made up of Friday night, Saturday and Sunday - but instead, every day of every month.  Its easy to get wrapped up in wanting to be away from your job, this place that binds you to it for 8 hours or more 5 days a week.  It’s weird to think that your co-workers see you more than your significant other for the majority of your time. But without your Monday morning meeting or your Wednesday afternoon meltdown, you wouldn’t be who you are.  It helps shape you, makes you stronger, wiser, and more adjusted.  Some people are affected in bad ways - work makes them bitter, unhappy.  Some people spend their workdays happy - busy, and content with the direction of their lives.  Some are just in between.  Not really sure where they belong, but feeling happy enough to have a job, to be a part of something - whether big or small.

I think I feel that way.  I am happy at my current spot.  I don’t want to leave, I don’t want to look for another job, I don’t want to get fired (ugh, who would ever want to actually get fired?  Well, maybe I did at my last job. I digress.)  Either way - I have great bosses who are more like ‘older friends’ to me, but are still boss-like.  They still give me direction, scold me if I have made a mistake or missed a deadline, and encourage me when I have done something they are particularly proud of.  I make good money for what I do, I can take care of myself financially without (too much) help from others (or credit cards), and for the most part, I seem to be respected. 

Still, when I think of my performance, I think I am just doing average.  I know I’m smarter than I act most of the time.  I know I could work HARD all day long and get twice as much stuff accomplished than I currently do.  But I don’t.  I just don’t try hard enough.  It makes me mad to think that I am wasting my days doing whatever I do (reading blogs, looking at wedding sites, reading gossip, chatting with friends) - on top of doing work.  I can’t just do work, and only work.  I sometimes think I have adult ADD - I constantly need to be stimulated at work.  But it’s funny because when I’m home, I’m perfectly content sitting in a room, by myself, without TV, in silence, and just read a magazine.  No need to do 10 things or talk to 10 people or anything.  Am I bored?  Is this not challenging enough?  Because also, I find myself failing at work lately.  Making little errors.  Not getting things done on time.  Not finishing projects.  BEING LAZY.  And my boss has noticed it too, which means I really need to step it up before I make a permanent mistake with them.  I need to step up my game.  I need to complete assignments on time.

Today is my 2 year anniversary at this job.  The longest I’ve held a job since graduating college (this is my 3rd job), and I’m proud of it.  I am proud of what I may now accomplish going into my 3rd year.  But I need to actively try and be a part of this.  I can’t sit back and be lazy and not finish projects.  I need to contact people instead of being passive aggressive.  I need to make small changes.  I need these changes to get noticed.  And the only one who can make this happen is me.  And starting today - I have to make it happen.

BUT, both of my bosses are gone today and now I’m in my sad little corner of the office where no one ventures into - ALONE.  Yes, alone.  Which means my motivation to really do stuff is slim.  I could probably do 5 projects this afternoon.  I’ll most likely do 1.  WTF.  I know this, yet I continue. 

I think I need to clean up my office. Maybe a new organization will help me feel like completing things.  That can be my big project.   Well, that and watching grey’s anatomy online at 4.  ;)   What?  I missed it last week!

May 8th:
I am grateful that my parents sprang for braces when I was younger - I really love my teeth and I try to take good care of them so they stay nice until I’m old.  Besides, my super buck-teeth were really terrible.