See you in another life, brotha

Does anyone else ever have trouble with an ex?  When you know you’re over it, and it’s history, but you are still thinking of them for whatever reason?

Story to follow:

In college my freshman year I lived on a floor with boys (woo hoo), and I liked them a hell of a lot more than I liked any of the girls on my floor and we all became friends, and many of us hung out in the same social circles until we graduated.  That first semester, I met my first college boyfriend, and my future husband.   They lived next door to each other.

I started dating B after a few months and he was decidedly NOT my type.  A hippie, if you will - very into Phish, Grateful Dead, all jam bands - you name it.  He was sloppy, and immature (well, what guy isn’t at 18?), and a HUUUGE pothead.  Whatever, I dealt with it.  While I was going out 3 or 4 nights a week some weeks, (probably wearing leopard pants and halter tops… what? don’t judge, I had terrible style at 18) –
see picture (I’m actually not wearing the leopard that week, I’m on the left):

Anyway we were pretty much as different as different gets.  I did like to smoke occasionally, and did a bit more as college went on, but we had maybe 1 thing in common - each other.  That was it.

We dated for all of freshman year, and sophomore year - until my feelings for D were ‘too much’ and I “had to act on them” and I broke up with B.  He was devastated, and so was I.  D was in love with me since the first day we met, and we had been best friends since then, and B did not trust him.  While D and I hung with the same people, B was not a part of those friends - and never knew what was happening when he wasn’t around (which was probably some making out.  Shit, I’m a bad person.  Whatever, I’m marrying him.)  Anyway so B always hated D, since freshman year. 

Needless to say, it didn’t work out with D, and that whole summer and about 3/4 of junior year I spent single - until one night I got drunk (shocking) and called him on my way home from the bar.  He picked me up, and we were inseparable after that, again.  By this point D had another girlfriend, so all seemed right in the world, and we were all “happy”.   Oh and did I tell you that he lived like 5 hours away from me?  So we saw each other like 4 times a summer?  And he hated talking on the phone, and was always high? Cool.

Senior year was AWESOME but I spent most of it partying day & wellllllll into the night, or morning… (god, how did I graduate?)   And B was a stay-at-home partier.  We led different lives. But we were still together, somehow.  I LOVED his family with this intense passion, almost as much as my own. They were awesome, and we all got along so well - my parents & his parents were like besties.  So crazy.  Our family even vacationed in his town 2 summers in a row.

But we graduated, I got a job in the city, and B & I broke up for good.  When my best friend died that December, B did not support me at all (no calls, no visit, no nothing).  That’s when I knew it was over forever.   We didn’t speak for a long time, and I haven’t seen him since September of 2004.

Now the thing with me is that I don’t like to cut people out of my life. Especially someone with whom I shared so much, and such a long relationship.  We suddenly just went from dating to nothing.  I thought about him a lot, and then I started my relationship with D, and the world just changed.  From the beginning it was never a question of “well, if we break up” - I just knew we wouldn’t.  This was the forever thing, and it felt right.  So my thoughts naturally went to “Oh SHIT, what happens when B finds out?”  (remember: the hatred).    We share no mutual friends, I have a private myspace, and I don’t see him anywhere, as he still lives 5 hours away. 

We spent the beginning of last summer (or the one before that…?)  talking a little bit on the phone, catching up, yada yada, and emailing.  Nothing big.  I avoided any questions of “who are you living with” and things like that.  We never talked about relationships.  It was just sort of the elephant in the room.  He emailed me once saying he still blames himself for the relationship failure, and I said don’t - you are an awesome, amazing guy and some things just aren’t meant to work out.  Then, just like that - the calls stopped.  I assume by now he knows I am marrying his [only] enemy - as he is the nicest person I know, and couldn’t hurt a fly.

My parents and his are still friends, and even met up in Newport for a weekend away together long after we broke up.  Yeah, I know.

His mom and my mom still send each other cards with little notes as to how “the kids” are doing, and what’s new in each others lives.  My mom asked me the other day if I was comfortable with her telling them I was getting married, as my mom is very excited and has been avoiding it for months.  She said “You know they will be thrilled for you, if only a little bummed that it couldn’t have worked out with you and B”.   I said I’m not ashamed, and I don’t care if he knows I’ve moved on, but I just hate to rub it in his face, that after all these years - he was right, and D was one to watch out for, and the whole ‘maybe our whole relationship was a lie’ thing.  I told her to do whatever but not to elaborate on D too much.

Am I overreacting?

I still think about him and keep having these dreams where I see him somewhere and I’m almost trying to hide my ring, but it inevitably comes up, and he is either really cool about it, or really upset.  So weird.  I know its in the past, but it feels so ‘unsettled’, so I think that’s why I am still thinking about it.  And I know I don’t “owe” him anything, as we were broken up for like a year before I even started dating D.  And life goes on, people change.  And how am I to know HE’S not engaged.  (Hahahah, okay I know he’s not, but still)

Just a thought passing through, and I thought I’d share.  I know the mature thing to do would be to call or email him and tell him, but if I was in that place and he was marrying someone I didn’t like - would I want him to tell me?  Or would I rather just live my life far away, in the peaceful ‘ignorance is bliss’ status?

The background story of me and D to follow as we get closer to the ‘big day’!