Mommy, wow

Over the past 2 days I have made 2 very ‘big girl’ decisions!

And I am proud.  And I want to share

The other day I got to thinking about wedding gifts.  I have been saving to buy D a nice watch for pretty much since we got engaged. I have a good amount of money, and the idea of spending all in one place, on a watch - seemed kind of silly.  I had hinted that I would really love a pair of real diamond earrings (the ones I wear are imitations - but I don’t think you can tell).  So I know he’s saving too, and that he would be putting all that cash down on those earrings.  Again, seemed foolish.  So I said to him the other night, “What would you say if I told you I’d rather take all the money we save that would have been for gifts for each other - and use it to travel in the next year - little long weekend trips, maybe finally getting to go see Chicago, or using some of it to save for our 1st anniversary trip?”  And he was floored!  He 100% agreed with me and thought it sounded great, and so now we’ve nixed that idea.  And I.am.so.PUMPED.   Not that I didn’t want a beautiful pair of earrings to remind me of my wedding day - but hey, aren’t I getting another expensive ring out of that??  And isn’t he?  So I said - just make sure to get me a card & maybe some flowers and we’ll be set.  Now all I can do is dream of all the places we’ll get to explore together as husband & wife - and when we finally start making a bit more money, then we can indulge in the gifts - instead of wasting money, and complaining about “never going anywhere”.  I am so happy!

Number two just seems pretty silly compared to that  - but last night I officially cancelled my myspace account.  I’m so over it. I’ve been over it.  I sign on, I look at peoples lives thru a microscope, I feel bad about the things I’m doing or not doing, I stalk, I waste time - it is just pointless. It doesn’t connect me to anyone, instead it makes me feel more disconnected and that is just awful.  Why waste my time?  So, after debating it for a while - I just pulled the plug.  Not that it was easy - mind you! You have to click “cancel account” like 10 times.  Then they ask you about 10 times if you’re sure.  Then they email you to make sure you’re sure.  Then you have to click the link and remind them AGAIN that you really mean it this time!  Cancel! Cancel dammit!   And it was done.   No more.  End of the road.

So, in two ways I have grown up a little bit in my own mind at least.

Since I forgot yesterday:

May 13th:
I am grateful for a day off from the gym without feeling guilty about it. 

May 14th:
I am grateful for wedding plans finally starting to come together (getting suits, ordering favor stuff, getting votives) this month!  Now, onto invitations……..

 

P.S. I LOVE DAVID COOK, mother effer why does that little annoying no-good troll David Archuleta have to still be involved in this competition, he literally makes my vagina want to crawl inside itself.  Sorry, too much?

Finally official!

Thank you GOD, we are finally officially getting married.

See, up until this point it was all just a “notion” - the big wedding day.  There was a party, there was a dress, there was a cake –  there was no one to actually marry us.

This was a slight problem.

We had the priest we wanted to do it, although he could not do the ceremony outside due to stupid laws in the Catholic Church - and no, I won’t go there - but needless to say it just reaffirms my thoughts on the subject.   Then, even though I was pretty against this from the beginning, we tried to get married at a nearby church in RI - but even that wouldn’t work and the people there were being absolutely less than accommodating.  Again, making these choices so much easier.  There were even talks of getting married beforehand, like days or a week ahead of time, in NJ - and then going up to RI and FAKING IT.  Needless to say, I was against that option too.  See, for me - this wedding is for me and D, and the party and the dress and the big to-do is mainly for everyone else to enjoy the day  [not saying that I won't] but the whole point is to actually get married. Be legal.   So we squashed those ideas.  Besides, when would we celebrate our anniversary?  I couldn’t bear the idea of having Aug 25 be my “real” anniversary and have every memento say “Aug 31″.   Just wasn’t cutting it.

Finally, after realizing that if we didn’t get our act together, none of the stuff that was going to have to start being done could actually get done.  You know, small stuff — LIKE INVITATIONS!!!!  I mean, if we’re not technically getting married, how can we make invitations??

So I did some digging, and there were a few people available to be an officiant.  Friday night D & I called after work and talked to the one guy for an hour!  He was so nice, warm, funny, and explanatory - which was good, considering I had no idea what we were supposed to talk about.  It’s hard doing this stuff from far away and not being able to say “Hey let’s meet on Monday night” - instead a speaker phone cell phone call was the best we could do.  But we really liked him, his price was reasonable, his wife is his wedding coordinator, and we just had good feelings overall.   We booked him, and I sent the deposit check on Saturday morning. 

So it’s official!!  All times, dates, and appointments stay the same!  I don’t have to freak out anymore!  YAY!

Now when we go up to RI in June to get our marriage license and get our rings we will try to make a date to meet up with him, just to meet him in person before the actual ceremony day [we're not doing an actual rehearsal because he is booked, and we have such a small wedding party.  OH, and our place is booked for the 2 days before the wedding, so there's that.]

Phew.  Now I can move on to the bigger, more important stuff and the smaller less important stuff - knowing that for real, we are officially getting married!  Yes!!

And yikes… I have SO MUCH TO DO!!!!!!!!

 

May 12th:
I am grateful that I still have 5 more nights with D before he leaves me for a week…… AGAIN.   ugh. travel.

this weekend

May 10th:
I am grateful for the days I wake up feeling so motivated, and I have nothing but time to accomplish all the things I’ve been putting off - and I can sit down at the end of the day and feel proud of myself. 

May 11th:
I am grateful to have a wonderful mother who has always supported me, never made me feel like I “couldn’t” accomplish something, and just always stood by me in my journey so far.  She’s wonderful.

TGI-Freaking-F

Blog contradiction,

May 9th:
I am so freaking grateful for Friday at 5pm this week.

Be in it to win it

I think it’s pretty funny that we wish our lives away.  Every morning when I wake up, I think “Oh thankfully - another day closer to Friday!”  Like, every morning.   Wishing, wishing, wishing the week away.  Friday comes and we rejoice!  We now have 2 nights to go to bed and NOT wake up to go to work (well, for the M to F 9-5′ers).  We can party, we can relax, we can unplug, we can come and go as we please.   But really - all that happens is you spend your 2.25 free days of each week catching up on all the things you could not do during the work week.    You run errands, you take in movies, you meet up with friends, you attend appointments and meetings,  you go to the gym (sometimes), you plan for your upcoming wedding, you travel to foreign countries (damn you D), you visit family in other states.

Next thing you know, its Monday again.  And now what?  You wish for Friday again?  You wish for your next vacation day?   But this thing - what we’re doing here, this is our life.  This is our journey.  It is not simply made up of Friday night, Saturday and Sunday - but instead, every day of every month.  Its easy to get wrapped up in wanting to be away from your job, this place that binds you to it for 8 hours or more 5 days a week.  It’s weird to think that your co-workers see you more than your significant other for the majority of your time. But without your Monday morning meeting or your Wednesday afternoon meltdown, you wouldn’t be who you are.  It helps shape you, makes you stronger, wiser, and more adjusted.  Some people are affected in bad ways - work makes them bitter, unhappy.  Some people spend their workdays happy - busy, and content with the direction of their lives.  Some are just in between.  Not really sure where they belong, but feeling happy enough to have a job, to be a part of something - whether big or small.

I think I feel that way.  I am happy at my current spot.  I don’t want to leave, I don’t want to look for another job, I don’t want to get fired (ugh, who would ever want to actually get fired?  Well, maybe I did at my last job. I digress.)  Either way - I have great bosses who are more like ‘older friends’ to me, but are still boss-like.  They still give me direction, scold me if I have made a mistake or missed a deadline, and encourage me when I have done something they are particularly proud of.  I make good money for what I do, I can take care of myself financially without (too much) help from others (or credit cards), and for the most part, I seem to be respected. 

Still, when I think of my performance, I think I am just doing average.  I know I’m smarter than I act most of the time.  I know I could work HARD all day long and get twice as much stuff accomplished than I currently do.  But I don’t.  I just don’t try hard enough.  It makes me mad to think that I am wasting my days doing whatever I do (reading blogs, looking at wedding sites, reading gossip, chatting with friends) - on top of doing work.  I can’t just do work, and only work.  I sometimes think I have adult ADD - I constantly need to be stimulated at work.  But it’s funny because when I’m home, I’m perfectly content sitting in a room, by myself, without TV, in silence, and just read a magazine.  No need to do 10 things or talk to 10 people or anything.  Am I bored?  Is this not challenging enough?  Because also, I find myself failing at work lately.  Making little errors.  Not getting things done on time.  Not finishing projects.  BEING LAZY.  And my boss has noticed it too, which means I really need to step it up before I make a permanent mistake with them.  I need to step up my game.  I need to complete assignments on time.

Today is my 2 year anniversary at this job.  The longest I’ve held a job since graduating college (this is my 3rd job), and I’m proud of it.  I am proud of what I may now accomplish going into my 3rd year.  But I need to actively try and be a part of this.  I can’t sit back and be lazy and not finish projects.  I need to contact people instead of being passive aggressive.  I need to make small changes.  I need these changes to get noticed.  And the only one who can make this happen is me.  And starting today - I have to make it happen.

BUT, both of my bosses are gone today and now I’m in my sad little corner of the office where no one ventures into - ALONE.  Yes, alone.  Which means my motivation to really do stuff is slim.  I could probably do 5 projects this afternoon.  I’ll most likely do 1.  WTF.  I know this, yet I continue. 

I think I need to clean up my office. Maybe a new organization will help me feel like completing things.  That can be my big project.   Well, that and watching grey’s anatomy online at 4.  ;)   What?  I missed it last week!

May 8th:
I am grateful that my parents sprang for braces when I was younger - I really love my teeth and I try to take good care of them so they stay nice until I’m old.  Besides, my super buck-teeth were really terrible.

Hump day Happy

I’m wearing a dress today that feels like it has potential to fall in the toilet.  I’ll keep you posted if this event does occur.  Ugh, I’m shuddering just thinking of it!

This weather has got me in a good mood this week - even though I’ve spilled no less than 3 things in the kitchen in the morning over the past 2 days, and made big sticky messes.  I’ve gotten up a bit earlier to wash my hair in the mornings & unusually it’s made me run early.  Something is just so right about this weather, it is just glorious!

I’ve been to the gym the past 2 nights and worked HARD and I am sore and it feels so good.  I like feeling what I’ve done, knowing that my muscles were worked and that I am giving some benefit to my body.  Tonight I’ll take a “break” and just do cardio - depending on the weather later, I may even go home and run near the beach.  I haven’t done that in a while and it is a kick-ass workout and something good to change it up.  When we got home from the gym last night it smelled like sea air - the surest sign that summer is coming.  The air was thick, smelled wonderful and made me long for days on the beach, and nights outside.  It’s so wonderful, and I simply cannot wait for Memorial Day weekend.

My search for a wedding officiant continues - so far I have a couple guys that are available, and D & I will have to get on the phone with them to discuss their “style”, along with price.  Can you believe some of these people charge like $500 bucks to do ceremonies?  I certainly hope that the guy we end up going with is a bit more reasonable.  It seems pretty silly to me.

I’m still trying to remain centered about wedding stuff - I can’t help but dwell on what a douchebag my cousin is being when it comes to all this.  I don’t want to sit here & complain, but the simple fact is - she is completely disregarding any responsibility she has in regard to the wedding & things involved with it (shower, bachelorette party, attire, etc) - and while I shouldn’t really know about it, I was tipped off, and now I am pissed offand I wish that things would change.  I get it - no one will be as excited as I am - but you are my cousin, you are like a sister to me - and you are acting like being a bridesmaid is a huge inconvenience to you - when you don’t have a job, you are graduating college in like 3 days, and are pretty much living on cloud 9.  I don’t get it.  I would never do this to someone, whoever they were - if you ask me to be in your wedding party, I put out 110% for you - because it is YOUR special day, and I would want someone to do that for me.  Instead she’s ignoring calls, giving zero input, and acting annoyed.  I need to try to move past this and hope that one of the 3 people who love & care about me (and know how mad I am about this) will deal with her and make the situation right.  Because I certainly hope this isn’t any indication of the real person she is - if so, I will be highly disappointed.

May 7th:
I am grateful for Nivea Firming tanning lotion - it is giving me just a little lift I need to not feel like a super pale ghost - and while the smell isn’t wonderful, I’ve gotten used to it, and the shit really works!

May 6

May 6th:
I am grateful for The Office.

 

 

But I mean it this time!

Okay I need to crack the weight-loss whip on myself.  Seriously, enough joking around.  In one month, I will be going for my first dress fitting.  (AHHHH).  I haven’t scheduled it yet, but they said I should come the first week of June to start out.  Seriously?  Seriously?

Okay, okay I know you are probably saying “God you’ve been obsessing/talking about this for-ev-er” and yes, I hear that.  But the thing is - I was doing really good for a while, and I think I may have actually lost like A POUND and kept it off - and then just like that, poof - gone!  Motivation, out the window.  Determination, sayonara!   Not to say I’ve fallen off the wagon by any means, but before when I was all salads all the time, gym 4 days a week, etc etc etc is a bit different from now.   I mean, I’ll go to the gym but I’m pretty much just doing an hour of cardio and then I leave.  Before I’d get all into it and do weights and all sorts of shit, but I think I’m getting lazy (and D not going to the gym lately makes me feel like I have to rush through to get home, which I HAAATE!)

I can just feel the difference in me, which means I really have to remain conscious of it at all times.  I think that’s my biggest problem - I’ll eat a cookie or something and it won’t be until later that I’m like hmmm wait a minute this is contributing to the greater evil….

So, in continuing my month of enlightenment (and general lack of freakouts) I need to come up with a serious game plan.  I don’t want to spend the last 2 months before the wedding barely eating, working out way too much and generally having panic attacks.  [ugh, I bet I will anyway..]

My goals for the next month:  (we’ll take it step by step)
~Get to the gym 4 days a week.  On 3 of those days do a targeted weight-lifting session (arms, legs, butt, etc) - and include push-ups and sit-ups on all 3 workouts.   For 1 work-out, focus only on cardio and switch it up and keep it interesting.
~Do one of my 2 DVDs once a week (either yoga or the “wedding workout” one).  Can be done on a weekend if it makes it easier)
~Don’t make excuses.  When going to get a cookie or this or that, say in my head “Is that necessary right now” and if I can wait, then wait.  I’ve found when I hold off a bit - I tend to not even want it so much.  It needs to be more about being in the moment with the food/hunger then just scarfing it down.

I think these are all doable and something I just have to accomplish them.  I want to feel good when I put on that dress next month, and I want to be PROUD of myself.  Right now I’m ‘okay’, but I want to be great.  I want to feel like “HELL YES I CAN DO THIS” and mean it.  I need to gain back my determination.  It can happen, and it will make the route to wedding-ville a little less stressful as I go to work off the PITA wedding stuff.  (p.s. I love the abbreviation PITA for pain in the ass, hehe).

Happy Cinco de Mayo!  The new me continues…………….

p.s. why does WordPress show that any word with the ending “nth” is wrong??  Like “month” or “with”?  WTF?

May 5th:
I am grateful for my legs - they seem to be the first thing that tone up/show improvement when I get really active, and I don’t really have to work on them.  That means focusing on all the other not-so-perfect stuff is a little bit easier.

Weekend gratitude

May 3rd:
I am grateful for my wonderful father - a man that has helped me become a better person throughout my life, someone who makes me proud to be related to him at all times, and is funny, fun and my very own personal “George Bailey” –  Happy Birthday Daddy, you are & always will be my #1

May 4th:
I am grateful for Sunday.  For errands, for sunshine, for driving with the windows down. For reaching over and holding D’s hand and feeling so secure.  For curling up later, watching a bad Lindsay Lohan movie (Just My Luck) - and seeing him watching intently and laughing secretly, then saying “oh this is terrible!” when I notice.  I love Sunday before 7pm (that’s when the ‘aw man work tomorrow’ thoughts set in!)

 

more later…

I will remain..

I will remain my centered self.

I will remain my centered self.

I will remain my centered self.

I will remain my centered self.

I think if I repeat it, it will come true.  I will repeat it from now until August 31.  And then in the few weeks between the wedding and packing for a crazy honeymoon.  I will remain my centered self.  I will not bitch, I will not bitch, I will not bitch.  (although, seriously??? I totally could.)

I’m extremely happy it’s Friday.  I’m going on a hot date tonight with my love, to see Iron Man and have Mexican food :)    Tomorrow is my daddy’s birthday, so we’ll go to their house to have a BBQ and hang out.  Sunday will be a day full of errands & hopefully some relaxation in the afternoon.

I went to the gym last night again and had a good workout (better than Wednesday), and kept repeating “I will be a skinny bride”.  Although it may be a little crazy, it really kept me focusing, which was important!  Now, if only I can repeat that mantra when I want to reach for junk……….  hmmm, will try this afternoon when it inevitably happens.

May 2:
I am grateful for having a good job where I am appreciated, I have a good boss who I get along well with and there is the perfect balance between work and play.